I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
