so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
