Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
