And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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