Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i came on her dog
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
