i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
