You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize