the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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