After last night, I could never be a politician.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
