Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
