a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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