Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
my shit smells like andre
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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