my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
