Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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