: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
