I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
