How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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