420 ftw
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
