Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
