who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
