yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
