Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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