90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
