so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Don't EVER smell your tampon
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
