You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
