i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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