If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
