hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
