Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
