look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Pants are for mortals
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
