peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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