its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
