please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I won't apologize to a one balled man
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
