Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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