My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
