There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
