I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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