someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
