I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
