you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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