I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
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