god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
