i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
