im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
