my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
They have beer where we have blood.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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