the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
