if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize