mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
No more Irish car bombs ever.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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