i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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