phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
