I wanna bring you to show and tell
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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