I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Is it because I queefed?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
