remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Randomize
