No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
