he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
where are you?
Hypothermia
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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